Cow Tipping

Cow Tipping

For many of those who live in urban areas, the phrase ‘cow tipping' may seem strange and exotic. And an exotic sport it certainly is, taking place in all corners of the earth throughout history*. Cow tipping was a pastime first engaged with by the ancient Egyptians, emerging in the records of Pharaoh Heifertep.

The tradition then disappeared for several thousand years until it was rediscovered by bored and jobless English farmers during the Industrial revolution**. Seeking a refuge from the dominance of machines in the agricultural industry, they took to Cow Tipping as a form of art that could not be understood by their metal competition. Since this time, Cow Tipping has continued as a popular pastime in Britain until this day.

The approach to Cow Tipping is quite simple, but relies on a number of scientific facts. Firstly, and most importantly, Cows sleep standing up. As they prepare to fall asleep, they lock their legs into position and remain that way. Secondly, by the principle of moments, a force applied towards the top of a sleeping cow, as far away from its feet as possible, will cause it to pivot about its hooves. Combining these two basic facts, Cow Tippers sneak into fields at night and push over sleeping cows.

Before you go out and try and apply these principles, there are several important practices that must be observed when Cow Tipping. Firstly, the aim of Cow Tipping is not to injure the cows. A responsible Cow Tipper always places some sort of padding (usually an old mattress or several cushions) on the ground where the cow is going to be tipped. A good test for whether the padding is thick enough is to give a friend a ‘piggy back' ride, and then allow yourself to fall forwards onto the mattress, keeping your body straight and not letting your arms break your fall. If it hurts, then more padding is required. Do not worry about not being able to retrieve the mattress. The cow will very rarely continue sleeping once tipped; it will tend to realign itself and continue to jump about the field, bucking and mooing.

Secondly, always assure that the cow is not pregnant. Not only will this make it extremely difficult to tip, but even with padding, the fall may damage the baby. Lastly, it is highly advisable to check that the cow is in fact a cow (udders are always a sure sign). It is extremely inadvisable to tip a bull, as their levels of discontent tend to manifest themselves in a rather more physical manner. On a final note, cows receive very low wages for the work they do. Always remember to tip your cow.

It is recommended that the amateur Cow Tipper begins with smaller cows, training under a seasoned Tipper. A tall cow with low bulk is ideal. Once the basics of pushing are mastered, the individual can move onto larger cows. Here, an application of Simple Harmonic Motion must be applied. It takes a great deal of effort in order to push over a large cow. However, if smaller pushes, delicate enough not to wake the cow, are applied at a rate of the cow's natural frequency, then the cow soon builds up a high enough amplitude of oscillation that a single firm push will happily unbalance it. If the cow wakes during the process, do not continue to apply pushes, but abandon the tip as soon as possible.

Farmers will often object to the practice of Cow Tipping, particularly when applied to their cows. For this reason, most Tippers work under cover of night***. However, farmers may occasionally be awoken by the sound of cow mooing and human whooping. If a farmer enters the field while you are Tipping, do not be afraid. Approach him, and begin to explain why you are undertaking this practice, and why he should let you. Do not be intimidated by any heavy weaponry he is carrying. It is rarely loaded and, in any case, farmers tend to be the calm and understanding type, even when applied to their own property.

Cow tipping, as with many activities, is best enjoyed with friends. This has a great advantage insofar as working from both sides using the simple harmonic technique allows you to tip even larger cows. However, the main advantage is simply that it is much more enjoyable to learn a new skill with friends. You will find that the experience of this delightful and insightful sport will bring you closer together, promoting teamwork and better relations, and reminding you of why they became your friends in the first place.

* All historical description in this article is not based on historical evidence and should be disregarded in any reading except for pleasure.

** It is held by some that the Incan practice of ‘Alpaca Tipping' is related to the bovine unbalancing practices of Europe, but there are stark differences between the two arts, which require them to be viewed quite separately.

*** I would like to remind you that Cow Tipping without permission is highly illegal, and is not condoned by Jack Mac. The only legal method of cow tipping is with the permission of both the farmer and the relevant animal rights authorities.